Today, boys and girls, were going to talk about anxiety. And more specifically the incessant, irritating, anxiety that Meg experiences on a daily basis! Its the best brand!

These days, I find myself becoming more and more the person I was in March. I realize its my ridiculous mental illness rearing its ugly head. I also realize that my therapist put me on medication for a reason and possibly taking myself off of it was perhaps not the brightest idea I’ve ever had. Especially now. I can’t quantify exactly what it is that has triggered me in the last couple of days but something has.

And I do not do well in stressful situations.

Scratch that.

If the stressful situations do not affect me directly, or if they affect me in a super positive way or if they don’t involve me confronting someone or involve me changing my routine, I do AWESOME in stressful situations.

I switch to practical, adventurous Meg mode. The facet of myself that I love and adore and really would love to be all the time but find that I can’t always be her.

 

So as I begin to revert to crazy Meg I will try and do what all this therapy has been endeavouring to teach me over the last several years.

I will try and identify my triggers

I will identify my negative behavior responses

I will do my relaxation and focusing techniques

I will do my yoga breathing

I will write as much as possible

 

But soon (oh very soon now) I will begin what I call “Classic Meg Self Destruction!” (always spelled with an exclaimation point – because, children, exclaimation points sell!)

Soon 

I will begin thinking of everything that is going wrong in my life

I will begin thinking of everything that COULD POSSIBLY go wrong in my life..this causes me to:

hyperventilate instead of breathing like a normal human being.

Then, I will begin to snap at everyone I know because I feel like if I get mad at them first they can’t get mad at me.

This will lead me to:

begin staying home because then I won’t have to see people and snap at them. You know, ever.

Then

I will take a lot of naps

And

I will not answer my phone

And

I will exhibit all the normal signs of depression but will deny loudly that I am depressed and subsequently become super anxious over exhibiting visible signs of depression…

leading to:

developing this really annoying nervous laugh.

oh yes and I will not so much cry as weep constantly over nothing

 

I will become an all around lousy human being to be with.

 

So I’m attempting to head this off at the pass, and I’m letting you, all of my friends and a chunk of my family, know:

I feel like my anxiety issues are becoming a force I am going to have trouble dealing with and I’m sorry.

 

I will do my level best to keep from breaking down. I will do my level best to stay off the drugs (quick side note: Celexa killed my appetite. I never ate, and consequently dropped to 120 pounds. Boo.) because the drugs were only supposed to be a stepping stone into wellness for me.

 

And before I disappear again, I will ask you for help.

I’ll be that annoying friend or sister or daughter who just needs to be around people all the time even if she doesn’t talk because being around people is keeping her from losing her mind. Again.

 

and, boys and girls, once is quite enough.